Thursday, January 15, 2015

Ambivalent

I'm feeling a little bit ambivalent about life right now.  The searing grief doesn't affect me that often anymore.  I don't feel like I'm walking around under a black cloud all the time anymore.  This is a development over probably the last month.  Lately I haven't felt bitter or angry or overly emotional very often.  It's always there, just under the surface and can come out at any time (sometimes when I don't expect it), but it doesn't consume me, if that makes sense.  How I feel is weird to me, however.  It's a general ambivalence about life.  I'm not really sad or mad or bitter  all the time but I'm not really happy either.  It's like I'm in a suspended state of just trying to carry on with my life.  Considering the alternative is being an emotional wreck all the time, I think this is an improvement.  I'm still mourning the loss of what never was and I think I will be for a long time (maybe even forever), but I'm starting to see glimpses of the me that infertility stole.  I like that me.

I think this is normal.  I think it is part of the healing process.  I think I am in a better place today then I was in a month ago, or six months ago, or definitely a year ago.

4 comments:

  1. It is lovely to read this. Yes, it is all part of the healing process.
    (but I guess you are going to have a tough month next month, when your niece/nephew is born... I am sending already now warm hugs across the Atlantic).

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    1. This I am worried about. I worry that it will take me back to square one, back to the really broken place. I'm going to fight hard to not go there. Hugs are welcome and much needed! :)

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  2. As Klara said, it made me smile to read that you realise that healing is in fact happening, and that even though the grief is there just under the surface, it no longer consumes you. That is such progress, and I love that you're seeing glimpses of the old you.

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    1. It made me feel a bit bad to even write it at first. It's only been five months since we made the decision that we were done and that we weren't going to have children. Part of me wondered if it was too soon. But then I decided that grief and healing don't have a universal timeline. Infertility stole my laughter and it's nice to get some of that back.

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