Monday, November 17, 2014

Blindsided

A few years ago, back when I thought I would/could actually get pregnant, I bought a crib.  It can be categorized as an impulse buy.  I was at IKEA one day, it was on sale, and it was "the one," so I bought it.  It's different, quirky (it's bright green!) and perfect.  Ever since then it's been stashed away in the guest room closet still in the box.  It was a silly purchase and I never should have bought it.  I should get rid of it.  But I can't.  Not yet.  It doesn't make sense.

I talked to my sister yesterday (the one who is due in February) and she mentioned that they needed to buy a crib.  I usually buy a car seat for all of my nieces and nephews because all of my sisters are terrible drivers and I want their babies to be safe.  I've already been shopping for one as I can tolerate looking at baby stuff because I want to find a good deal.  I offhandedly mentioned their need for a crib to Hubs, who suggested that we give them the crib taking up space in our closet instead of buying a car seat.  Totally blindsided.  I felt the sob growing deep in my chest as the tears started to roll down my cheeks.  I collapsed on to the couch.  I couldn't speak through the tears, sobs, and snot.  I cried until I didn't have anymore tears left in me.  It was intense.  It was visceral.  It was ugly.  All over a stupid crib.  

My reaction surprised me.  Poor Hubs.  It surprised him too, obviously.  Now, I'll admit, this is a good idea, and the logical/rational side of my brain knows this.  It would give them something that they need, would clear out space in our closet, and we wouldn't have to spend any money on the gift.  Hubs definitely wasn't out of line to suggest it.  But that crib was for my baby, our baby, not somebody else's baby.  I just can't handle the thought.....

I wish I had some reflections or growth or something better to share.  I don't feel like I'm making much progress in grieving.  I'm in the thick of my grief right now and it's ugly.  I'm trying my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Today is better.  Hopefully tomorrow will be too.

6 comments:

  1. I think I would not give the crib as a gift. It's your crib bought for your baby, regardless if the baby materialized or not. I would donate the crib or keep it for as long as I want, and buy a different present for my sister. I am generous but not on the account of my feelings.

    I am so sorry you got so blindsided and it hurt me even read this :( {Hugs}

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    1. We did make the decision that the crib would continue to take up space in the closet until such a time when we are ready to do something with it. I think that time will be when I can think about it without crying. I don't think it will soon, and that's ok.

      I didn't realize a silly crib held so much meaning to me. Now I know. I'm pretty sure that we'll buy a car seat. Maybe a crib, but definitely not our crib.

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  2. I am so sorry it took you by surprise. You are doing the right thing. Protect your feelings and store this crib, your crib, as long as you feel it is necessary. I am so glad I have not bought a single baby item throughout these years. Still blindsided details show up every now and then. HUGGS.

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    1. It always makes me feel a bit better to know that others are blindsided by trivial things too (not that I like that you are blindsided on occasion too though). Thanks for the hugs. They are needed today. :)

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  3. I agree with Obie. Keep your crib as long as you want, or donate it to the Salvation Army, etc., but find something else (or buy a completely new/different crib) to give to your sister. Giving her your crib might seem like the logical thing to do, but whoever said grief was logical??

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    1. I'm thinking something along the lines of a pregnancy distress center, a domestic violence shelter, or something of the like. That feels right.

      I wish that grief was logical; it would be easier to deal with if it was. I almost think that I'm putting too much pressure on myself to just get through this.

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